A crypto connoisseur’s guide to the most ridiculous altcoins ever
in Asset Explainers
There are now over 11,000 cryptocurrencies listed on crypto rankings site, Coinmarketcap. Simply scrolling through the names of these sometimes ridiculous altcoins gives great insight into how the crypto world is an unstoppable vanguard of both technological innovation and stomping shithousery.
Experienced investors with access to reliable crypto research can still make educated decisions on which altcoins have a chance of a bright future. But what of the technophobic retired farmer who wants to “find out about this crypto thing”, and earnestly sets forth to weigh up the pros and cons of investing in Pepemon Pepeballs?
What of your Great Auntie Margaret, who gets mocked by her grandchildren for leaving cash savings in the bank (“boomer liquidity pools with crap yield, Grandma!”) and is told instead to go to Cheesecake Swap and stake loads of CAKE so that she can earn herself a massive bag of BAKE?
The huge, chaotic altcoin market can be overwhelming at the best of times, so we’ve waded through the quagmire for you, and are summarily delighted to present you with this: the crypto connoisseur's guide to the most ridiculous altcoins ever.
Ridiculous altcoins: Pump and dumps
Many altcoins have colourful histories of scandal, betrayal and rebirth, and no scandal is more ubiquitous than the pump and dump, where a project is hyped up with exaggerated claims before launch, and then sold off heavily by the founders shortly afterwards.
One such project, the Grumpy Cat-themed Grumpy Finance, did exactly that, but then was reclaimed by community members who repackaged it as a crypto project that uses its native GRUMPY token to help animal charities.
Other projects simply cause investors to slowly lose all of their money, before fading into obscurity.
Losercoin is a project that recognises that the value of their coin will probably go to zero:
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Losercoin has tanked by over 30x since launching this year.
And although you might expect great things from a project with a native token called EGG, Goose Finance appears to have been another Binance Smart Chain based rug pull project, along with other luminaries such as Viking Swap, and the delightfully-named Croissant Swap.
The modus operandi is to tempt liquidity providers to stake their tokens into a pool with a promise of super high yields, whilst the team dump their own tokens, causing the price to drop, and the users to be left holding a huge bag full of devalued EGG.
Ridiculous altcoins: Seemingly redundant use cases
Some humorously-named low cap coins, like DONUT (which is used as a tipping currency on the ethtrader subreddit) and Trollcoin (which serves a similar function on Twitch) have real utility, but are just very niche, and not used for speculation.
Similar coins like Dogecoin and Garlicoin, are clearly labelled as being just for fun ‘meme coins’ and shouldn’t really be considered a serious investment.
But there are projects that are remarkable purely for their glaringly redundant use cases:
“Backpacker Coin aims to solve all the problems faced by current and future generations of travellers in the world.”
“Baguette Token’s goal is to bridge the culinary and cryptocurrency worlds and provide partnerships with bakeries all around the world.”
“Potcoin is the original cryptocurrency of the cannabis industry.”
(Although to be fair, even if the POT project appears to be dead, they did manage the fine achievement of sending basketball player Dennis Rodman to North Korea, so that he could chillax with Kim Jong-un, and bring peace to the world. So they’ll always have that.)
Ridiculous altcoins: Scatological investments
Man’s fascination with poop has endured through the ages. From the Ancient Egyptians that reportedly used crocodile dung as a form of contraception, to the Italian artist who canned his poop and sold it at auction, scatology never seems to stray far from our collective consciousness.
So it should come as no surprise that there is a BSC-based crypto project called POOCOIN which briefly saw almost 800,000 dollars of daily volume in May of this year.
Poocoin is joined by DIAH, or Diarrhea Coin, which stayed afloat for all of a month before having its liquidity drained from the Diarrhea pool. The developers of DIAH claim that a fresh airdrop of Diarrhea will take place, but this has yet to materialise.
POOROCKET, another Binance Smart Chain project, was also forced to flush their project due to there being “a lot of strain on the team” and a copycat project that was “devaluing the POO branding”.
Poop-based coins have even reached the futures market, with MOONSHIT offering a leveraged, 10x return for those who are extremely bullish on the FTX ‘shitcoin index’, and BEARSHIT representing the same thing for those who want to gamble on the downside.
Ridiculous altcoins: Sex and misogony
In 19th century Victorian-era London, when the concept of a bank solidified into the large-building-with-vaults image that we still have today, it’s difficult to imagine strolling down the high street with a lady-in-courtship, and seeing the words PUBE FINANCE carved into a bronze plaque above one of the imposing iron doors.
And yet, PUBE was briefly a thing in May of this year, when almost $175,000 of volume ran through the DeFi protocol, before it eventually went the way of most altcoins.
Anyone who has spent enough time in the crypto space has seen that it is mostly populated with young men, and with projects like Titcoin, Spankchain and MILF token (“Unique collectible Cyber Milfs that you can own on the blockchain”) on the books, is it any wonder that women are turned off by the world of crypto?
The Cumrocket NFT marketplace, which launched during the NFT hype period of Spring 2021, boasts an entire ecosystem built around the native CUMMIES token, with a marketplace for adult-rated NFT images, a CumSwap exchange and CumFarm liquidity pool.
Waifu token is also a central part of a crypto ecosystem that allows users to farm, stake and swap digital girlfriends. Staking WAIF in the Waifu Uniswap liquidity pool allows users to earn HAREM tokens, which can be exchanged for NFTs of manga / anime girls.
Despite its salacious-sounding name, F*ck Token was not another sex-themed coin, but an acronym that stands for Finally Usable Crypto Karma. Check out this wonderfully-deadpan video that set out the team’s vision:
Ridiculous altcoins: Just plain weird
Some altcoins strike the right level of whimsy, such as Pirate Chain with its native ARRR privacy coin, or Sushiswap, with its delectable menus of SUSHI-based liquidity pools. Others are just plain weird.
The Wolf Safe Poor People (WSPP) project is a wondrously oddball concoction, describing itself as “the first possible decentralized marketing platform next generation cryptocurrency that automatically gives you an imbalance because it holds and helps reduce poverty in the world.”
The website, originating almost certainly from Russia due to its conspicuous lack of definite and indefinite articles, also has a white paper section which simply gives a copy / paste definition of what a white paper is.
The coin experienced a sudden 9000% rise on July 20th of this year, followed by an immediate 10,000% drop, which is a sure sign of an orchestrated pump and dump group operating on Pancake Swap.
We also had Whoppercoin, which the Russian branch of Burger King launched as an incentive for customers. Each ruble spent was rewarded with one Whoppercoin: 1,700 Whoppercoins were needed for a free burger.
Shortly before the project’s demise, Ivan Shestov, head of external communications at the branch, shared some wise economic advice, saying that "eating Whoppers now is a strategy for financial prosperity tomorrow".
Finally we have Unobtanium (UNO), a 7-year old crypto-commodity based on the fictional natural resource from the film Avatar. Despite there being very little buzz around the project since the bull market of 2017, the UNO coin has held its value better than most, especially through bear markets.
But the best thing about it is probably this promotional video:
Enjoy! And be careful if you decide to invest in ridiculous altcoins.
This content is for informational purposes only and is not investment advice. You should consult a qualified licensed advisor before engaging in any transaction.